Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Super Conspiracy Theorist

I woke up one morning feeling tense all over my body. This wasn't unusual since I had a long workout the night before. The pains were a little unusual because even my toe muscles felt sore. I was groggy and didn't examine the unusually sore areas. I stumbled to the bathroom with my eyes closed, kicking a shoe out of the way; I then heard a loud thud. I didn't think much of it, just continued to the rest room.
I looked in the mirror rubbing my 5 o'clock shadow. "Mary, Mother of God!" I was huge! My neck muscles were bulging out of my now shredded t-shirt. My arms were massive; the size of a grown man's legs. My fingers were ripped. There were veins showing all the way from my wrist until they submerged under my shoulder blade. I panned down to my legs to see two beer keg looking mammoths. I was at least 8 inches taller. "I am a handsome fellow" I said to myself. "Don't want to be the stinky strong guy." I proclaimed as I reached for the deodorant. My mechanics were off as I noticed my hand missing the fancy Gillette clear stick container. Once I finally wrapped my hands around the deodorant I crushed the bottle simply trying to pick it up. "Whoops" as I pinched some of the crushed product and smeared it on my pits. 'This is going to take some getting used to."
I punched a hole in the door, opening it to leave the bathroom, only to notice a hole in the wall where I kicked the shoe. "Whoops" is all I can bring myself to say as I headed for breakfast wondering what it was that made me like this. My family stood in awe as I nonchalantly crushed a box of cereal and let the Cheerios fall into a pile. "You want to give me a hand here, Mom, jeez." "Ah, uh, um. Whahh?" she mumbled. "Ah, never mind. Can I have a few bucks to go to McDonald's, Dad?" "Ah, uh, um. Whahh?" he mimicked my mother's reaction as I walked out the door amused at their obvious confusion.
"I bet this is because of all those Red Bull and creatine cocktails I had during my workout" I thought to myself as I walked past screaming pedestrians. "I could really go for a Big Mack right about now." I fantasized as a rock pummeled me in the head. "Burger King is closer" I stated as I turned down a road in the direction of the house of the Whopper. "Keep it from the children!" an old lady exclaimed.
"Put your hands in the air and don't move!" a VAPD officer yelled as I pulled the Burger King door of its hinges. "Oops." "Dude, I'm a nice big guy who woke up looking like this. Give me a whopper before you scream and run, please" "Ay yi yi" the man of Mexican descent yelped as he threw a bag full of cash at me. "I want a burger, dude, please help me out." A tiny hand stuck out from underneath the front counter holding another bag. "Thank you, come again" a muffled voice said. I took my Whopper and ate it one bite.
I stepped out of the restaurant to see at least twelve police cars. I wasn't too worried; I'm like human bulldozer for Pete's sake. A few taser prongs struck me as I kept strolling along down the street, dragging the guns on the other end of the wires. I was starting to wonder if I was going to end up in some military science lab. I wasn't going to let that happen, they would send me off to war and I don't like deserts. Maybe if we declare war on the Bahamas I'll take part in their exploitation of nations
As I traveled down the road I came across a sign that read: "Do you feel unwanted? Do you feel lonely? Does it sometimes feel like civilization has put you on the backburner? We can help!" I felt relieved since my own mother didn't even want to help me with my Cheerios. I opened the door to “Being Accepted Incorporated” feeling glad that I found someone to help me deal with this. "AAHH, Run!" "Quick! Out the back door!" "What a freak of nature!" "Actually I think it was creatine and Red Bull" I tried to explain as all the counselors and psychiatrists ran away. I left the building thinking I'm going to have to go live in the mountains and fight turf wars with Sasquatch. I was ready for this transformation of lifestyle, I suppose. I never like the greed of corporatism that America was quickly transforming into.
I began my journey toward the Appalachian Mountains, 200 miles away. Taking back roads and walking through woods when necessary I made it to a small town just before entering the thick mountainous terrain. That is when I saw her, another giant freak like me. She was heading in the same direction. "Has society pigeon-holed you into a scary monster trying to take over also?" I inquired as I stepped toward the gigantic broad. "Yes, woes me as I vacate myself from the evil society thriving on condemnation and sameness." It was like poetry spewing from her heart. "They have told me I'm not like them, I'm most certainly not an evil goblin using every second of the day to extort the less fortunate souls! I leave them in their cesspool they call municipalities!"
It was like cupid struck me with an arrow at that moment. "I agree with you more then you can imagine. Come, take my hand. We will start our own colony deep in these forests." I demanded as our hands met. "Was your body transformed overnight by creatine-Red Bull concoctions also?" I asked. "No, I like Whoppers" she replied.